The Face in the wall

A few hours later, Tester followed an upward sloping passage that contracted so much that he had to stoop to walk, then crawl, then suddenly he was in a small round chamber, illuminated by a very faint glow from above. Tester stood and looked around. The center of the chamber had a circle of smooth stone set into the floor, two shades lighter than the stone around it. Tendrils of root dangled from the ceiling. The walls were bare dirt and rock. The only exit he could see was the small tunnel through which he had entered.

“Another dead end,” Tester said, trying to remain calm. “They lied.”

On the wall ahead of him, at about chest height, the rocks began to shift and swirl. A nose grew out of the wall, dirt shifted to become eyes and a mouth, rock morphed into scalp where a receding hairline might be. The round face of a middle-aged man formed into existence and beamed at Tester. Tester experienced a moment of panic, wondering if he’d somehow eaten too many of the mushrooms again. Then the wall-face spoke.

“OH! Good! People!” the man exclaimed, straining to look up at Tester without a neck to crane. “I’ve been so lonely! I came up with a lovely story about a boy who loses his way in a forest and has a lovely adventure. Would you like to hear it?”

Tester eyed the ceiling where the green streak of light vanished into the wall behind the face, his claustrophobia mounting. “Actually, I’m a bit lost,” he said. “I’m looking for a way out and I thought, well, someone told me that –”

“Oh yes!” interjected the face. “You’ve come to the right place! This IS an exit!” He made a self-important face. “I’m something of a guard over it. Hmm hmm,” he said gleefully.

“Ah, great!” Tester looked around the room. “So… how do we get out then?” The space was beginning to feel terribly small and cramped as he began to feel how close he was to finally escaping these deep, dark recesses.

“But don’t you want to hear my story first?” the face asked, crestfallen.

“Well, I’m sure it’s a very nice story and all, but I’ve been trapped down here for a long time, you see, and –”

“You want to know how long I’ve been trapped down here?” the face cut in with a forced joviality, heavily emphasizing the “I” to imply that Tester didn’t have a thing in the world to complain about. “No. Of course not. I’m sure it doesn’t matter in the slightest, does it?” he finished sharply, his tone edging toward manic.

“Look, could you please just tell me how to get out of here?” Tester asked, trying not think too hard about how much he wanted to see daylight.

“Fine, you don’t want to talk. Not a problem. No problem at all,” the face said with false cheeriness, then mumbled to himself, “Probably not much of one I’d want to talk to anyway given the look of you.” The man sniffed derisively, reviewing Tester’s general… everything.

“How about a game,” the wall-face continued. “If you want to pass, you’ll have to answer my riddle. You get three guesses. If you don’t get it right, you have to wait three days before you can try again.” He smiled contentedly. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, you know; it’s not going to be easy. Actually, I’ve met some very interesting riddlers in my time, some really interesting stories there if you’d have interest in hearing them. Shall I tell you a few?”

“Three days?” Tester balked. He could practically feel the light somewhere beyond the face, he was itching for it. “Alright, what’s the riddle?”

The man stared at Tester, speechless, looking exceedingly put out. “The riddle? Oh, oh, a riddle. Yes, um, alright. A toughy it is. Let’s see, a riddle. Ah! Got it. You’ll never get this. Are you ready?”

Tester nodded.

“Fine.” The face pouted, resigning himself to the task at hand. “What is brown and sticky?” He raised an eyebrow, daring Tester to answer.

Tester stared at him, mouth agape. “Squirm, do you think he’s joking? He’s talking about poop, right?”

“What?” Squirm said, exasperated. “Oyya, that’s the oldest one in the book. It’s a stick!”

“Oh… Ooooh! right!” Tester nodded. “Brown and sticky.” He chuckled, returning his attention to the wall. “A stick. Can we go through now?”

“Wait, wait!” the face said, appalled. “That’s cheating! You never said there were two of you! If I’d known that I would have said two riddles. I insist upon another.”

“But you said if I guessed correctly, you’d let me through.”

“Ya, but you had help.”

Tester opened his mouth to argue but the face cut him off with the next riddle. “A rooster sits on top of a barn…”

“Roosters don’t lay eggs,” Tester cut in; Stan had loved that one.

“Egh!” The man’s eye twitched. “At least let me finish! That one doesn’t count since I didn’t get to finish. A new one, and this one is a riddle in three parts so you better not cut me off!”

Tester rolled his eyes as the face asked, “What do babies drink?”

“Milk?”

“And what do kittens drink?”

“The blood of pipsies,” Squirm muttered snickeringly into Tester’s ear.

“Milk,” Tester repeated confidently, ignoring the worm.

“What do cows drink?”

“Water,” Tester said, flatly. “Is this for real? What kind of riddle wall are you?” The portly face huffed, glaring at Tester. Tester shrugged at him. “Well, are you going to let us through now?”

“No.”

“But you said if we got it –”

“Ya, but I didn’t expect you to get it so quick, right? It’s not fair,” the man said with a scowl.

“Not fair?” Tester threw his arms up, frustrated. “But you’re the one who said it!”

The face sighed. “Listen, I’ll just tell you one quick story, then I’ll send you on your way. Just listen to one story!”

“You said if I got the riddle –”

“You cheated and you’ve got to wait!” the face burst out, then vanished.

Tester stared dumbly at the wall. “Hey!” he shouted. “Hey! Come back!” He banged on the wall, feeling exceptionally claustrophobic. “Please!” No response. He continued to slam on the smooth rock face until his hands began to ache.

It took Tester a long while to calm himself enough to think. According to the face, he had to spend three more days here before he would have another chance at escaping. He found a small stream, ate some slime, and returned to the room, sitting in the middle of the floor where he could see the face if it reappeared. He chatted with Squirm, trying desperately not to lose hope as he mentally prepared for the wait ahead.

“Alright! Alright!” the face said, popping back into existence shortly after Tester got settled. “Fine! I’m going to do another riddle! If you get it then I’ll let you through. All or nothing! You get one guess.”

Tester rolled his eyes and huffed, “Sure. Do one more.”